Spontaneous Combustion
by pagman
Summary: Various words thrown together to make something resembling a story.


**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI, or anything that appears in the story below. If I did I wouldn't be writing this online, I would be putting it into the actually show and making millions of dollars. **

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It was day like any other for the CSIs at the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Grissom was looking intently at some new bug he had ordered on eBay, Sara was pretending to be uninterested in Grissom even though the entire lab knew the truth, Catherine was pretending to do something, Nick was rubbing his fingers over the area where his glorious 'stache had once been and wondering what he should do to his hair next to completely kill his sex appeal, Warrick was walking around without his shirt looking quite hot for no reason at all, and Greg was sitting in the break room drinking coffee folding paper cranes out of the crossword. Ecklie may or may not have been around.

Grissom walked out of his office humming a tune to some song he had heard on the radio, "You see her, you can't touch her. You hear her, you can't hold her. You want her and you can't have her…" Unfortunately he couldn't remember the rest of the song so he walked into the break room to hand out assignments and figured he would Google it later.

"Catherine, Warrick, Nick I want you guys to go out to the New York, New York as it seems someone has been killed on the rollercoaster there. I would take the case myself but would only end up riding the rollercoaster and then completely forget about the case. Sara, Greg, your with me. Just outside of Vegas there is a spork factory and it appears to have burnt down and it looks like arson."

After Grissom finished his ramble Catherine, Warrick, and Nick went off to the New York, New York while Grissom, Sara, and Greg headed of to the spork factory.

**-----**

Catherine, Warrick, and Nick arrived at the New York, New York to find Vartan standing talking to David. "Hey guys," said Catherine.

"Hey Catherine," said David. "I checked the body over, it looks like a pretty straight forward case.

At this point Vartan picked up the story. "The vic, one Tom Horton, went on the Manhattan Express. According to eyewitnesses he got off the rollercoaster and collapsed."

"Thanks guys, we'll take it from here," said Warrick and he began to survey the scene. Catherine, Nick, and Warrick got to work on what looked to be an easy case. There was no evidence to collect so they just sat around in a nearby Starbucks talking about all the fun times they had and being CSIs. The topic of discussion for tonight was how Grissom loved Sara and how Sara loved Grissom but they just didn't do anything about their relationship. They decide that when they got back to the lab they would put into action a plan on how they would get them together. It was a rather good plan but I can't tell you about it because it is a top secret plan and only people at top secret level can know it.

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Grissom, Sara, and Greg arrived at the spork factory to find Brass and Sofia at the scene. They walked up to the trio as they arrived. Brass began talking to them and Greg tuned him out, he usually did that, but Grissom paid attention to what was going on.

"Well I'm sure by now you guys know that this is a spork factory. The fire appears to have began on the inside and didn't really do much damaged to the actually building. Unfortunately the factory lost its entire supply of sporks. The entire county will have to go without sporks for one year."

"Thanks Jim. I'm sure no one will really miss sporks anyway as they're just a useless utensil," said Grissom and he, along with Greg and Sara, walked inside the crime scene tape to begin their work. If Grissom didn't know any better he'd say that Sofia looked like she was about to cry but he figured that it must just be the dry desert air.

After the three CSIs worked for about 2 hours, they found no sign of any accelerant and were no closer to figuring out how the fire started. Sofia was a rather impatient person and walked onto the scene hoping the CSIs would finish so she could go home. As she crossed the tape she caught fire. Brass came running but it was too late. Sofia died a very, very painful death.

Greg found the humor in the situation and said, "spontaneous spork combustion?"

"Well it is the only reason why the factory still seems to be in pretty good condition. By golly Greg, I think you've solved the case!" Everybody let up a cheer as Grissom finished summing up what happened at the spork factory.

Brass put in a call to 911, "Hey, Captain Brass here. I'm out at the spork factory and I need you to send David Phillips out here. Unfortunately I have to report the death of Detective Sofia Curtis. She was killed in a freak spontaneous spork combustion accident." He ended the call and started talking to the CSIs. "Well Grissom how are you going to explain this one in your report?"

"Yeah Grissom. You once stated that spontaneous human combustion was impossible but if that is impossible then how come spontaneous spork combustion is so possible?" Sara challenged.

"I think we should all just agree that this was a sign, a great glorious sign as the evil Spork is now dead."

"Should you really be talking about the dead that way Grissom?" asked Greg even though he was finding it hard not to laugh.

"Well she is dead and she was an evil spork so I'm not really seeing the problem here."

They all waited for David to arrive and collect the body. David muttered something about evil Spork, glad she's dead although they couldn't be sure that that was what he was really saying. Once David collected the body of Spork they all went back to the lab to report the news the Catherine, Nick, and Warrick.

Catherine, Nick, and Warrick had already gotten the report from Robbins by the time Grissom, Sara, and Greg got back to the lab. Doc Robbins had proven that the victim had had a heart attack and they really had nothing to do. They saw Grissom, Sara, and Greg put there kits away and then they saw Grissom and Sara walk into the break room. On the way over in the Denali they had decided to surprise them with the death of Spork and make it sound like someone people cared about had died. While Grissom and Sara would announce this Greg was in charge of bring in the party supplies they had brought at a store before coming back to the lab.

Grissom looked them in the eyes and began. "Catherine, Nick, Warrick, I'm afraid I have some bad news concern someone who works closely with us on most cases."

Catherine immediately thought that worst. "It…It's not Brass is it?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

"No, it's not Brass. Tonight while I was working the case of the suspected arson of the spork factory with Sara and Greg we had to be a witness to the death of…" he paused for dramatic effect, "…Sofia."

Greg came running in and put party hats on everybody's head as planned and they all had a big party in the break room. Everybody else from the lab came out to see what all the noise was and when they too found out the good news joined the party.

However then Ecklie entered the break room and the atmosphere changed quite slightly. "What are you guys doing here? This looks like a party; on lab time too I might add."

"Ecklie today while I was at a crime scene with Greg and Sara there was…there was an accident. I hate to be the one to bread the news to you but…I'm sorry, Sofia is dead." Grissom looked at Ecklie and couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"Sh…she's dead?' Ecklie asked.

Greg decided that this would be an appropriate moment to speak so he said, "That's why we're having a party sir. None of us are going to miss her and we haven't had a true party since Nick shaved of his 'stache."

"Hey!" said Nick. "I shaved so you had a party? That isn't very nice you guys"

"Well it was a very ugly 'stache and it killed your sex appeal," said Greg.

There was now an awkward silence in the break room, no on really knowing what say. Ecklie decided to break the silence by saying, "Well I'll take a party hat." He put on the hat and nearly managed to act human.

There was laughing and mostly everyone got drunk. Greg and Nick left together, their arms supporting each other, as Greg could barely walk and Nick vowed never to drink again after he shaved his 'stache. His punishment to himself for succumbing to peer pressure was to never drink again. Nick agreed to drive Greg home after no one else would. If only he knew what he was getting into by saying yes to giving Greg a ride…

Near the end of the party when only Catherine, Warrick, Grissom, Sara, Hodges in the corner, and Archie slumped over the table remained Catherine and Warrick began talking. As they were both drunk they actually began talking very loudly about the top secret plan formulated over a Starbucks espresso. Sara and Grissom were listening and out of everyone who had attended the party were the least drunk. They decided that this was a convenient moment to leave the break room and go home. Warrick and Catherine saw them leave and decided to follow them. They tried to go in stealth mode but as they were both drunk it didn't work out and Grissom and Sara saw them.

"Sara, I've got something I want to tell you," said Grissom.

Warrick and Catherine were still right behind them and heard what Grissom said. "Shhhh," said Catherine and shot Warrick a look.

Sara turned around, "Guys, we can see you. Maybe you should leave. Is there nowhere we can go where Grissom and I can have a little privacy?"

"No," shouted Warrick and Catherine broke out laughing. They walked back into the lab arm in arm laughing about what they would do tomorrow. But see this was all part of their cunning plan. Yes, they were drunk but they weren't that drunk and could manage a pretty damn convincing drunk type person if they needed to. They then a watched from the window to see what would happen next. Warrick suddenly was able to read lips and passed along what Grissom and Sara said. There was many a GASP from Catherine but now I shall just pretend that they don't exist in this story until it is convenient for me to include them again in the plot.

"Sorry about that Sara. As I was saying…How about it I just start again?" Sara just nodded and Grissom continued. "Hearing Warrick and Catherine talk about us like we weren't even there got me thinking about a lot of things. The entire lab seems to know about us and I was wondering…that is to say…if you don't mind…" Grissom had never been good at this sort of thing and he just wanted to say what he wanted to say and move on with his life. "Sara would you go out with me?"

"Oh Griss…" but before she could finish that sentence Grissom's lips meet hers. Now I would go on to tell you tales of this particular experience but then this would sound too much like a regular fanfic bordering on smut and we wouldn't want that now would we? So anyways fill in the blanks with whatever you want. Let your imaginations run wild and take it up to whatever rating you want. But please remember that Warrick and Catherine are still watching from the window so be warned.

They broke their, ah… their whatever it was your minds decided on and got into Grissom's Denali. Catherine and Warrick saw them drive away and shared a smile. Their plan had worked. What their small insignificant minds failed to realize was that Grissom and Sara had just put into action there cunning plan (it was not to go back to Grissom's and have hot smutty sex inappropriate for all people under the age of a really big number). Their plan was to fool Warrick and Catherine into thinking that their plan had worked (yes, they knew that Warrick could read lips otherwise this story would make even less sense). Their plan left everyone happy and no one would ever have to know. (With so many plans thrown in I hope you are all confused beyond belief, I know I am).

Warrick and Catherine went back to the break room to have one more celebratory drink over the success of their plan. Catherine pulled out her phone to phone Nick but Warrick put a hand on her shoulder, "Cath let's save that till tomorrow Nick's probably already asleep." _Place inappropriate thought here. _They had a couple more drinks and talked of how proud they were of Grissom because he had gotten his act together and because Sara managed to still be in love with Grissom even after so many broken promises. They finally reached their limit and passed out on the break room floor only to be found by a rather hangover, pissed off Ecklie the next day who thought they had been doing more than just sleeping and on lab time too he might just add.

**-----**

Grissom and Sara made their way in silence to Grissom's townhouse (or was it a condo, I don't actually remember what Grissom said in that one episode). Once they arrived at wherever it is Grissom lives they sat in silence for a while. Then Grissom turned and looked at Sara and Sara looked at Grissom and suddenly it was as if it dawned on them. They calmly got out of the car and walked to the front door. Grissom calmly opened it and held the door open for Sara who walked inside. Once again they shared a look and then let's just say that they had their own party to celebrate the death of the evil Spork.

**-----**

For the convenience of the people here who did not really pay attention to the story above included in the text below is a recap of what happened to each of the characters in this particular fic. It may not actually be the correct version of what happened but it's at times like these that I wish I was in possession of the ability to read what I write.

Grissom: Came up with a grand plan with Sara then went back to his condo/townhouse to _"celebrate" _the death of the evil Spork. He also investigated the burning of the Spork factory but that was at the beginning and really only served as a plot device so we could have a good reason to have Spork burn to death. Wasn't there something about him ordering a bug on eBay? It all seems so long ago.

Sara: Decided to come up with a plan with the help of Grissom to give Warrick and Catherine false hope then went back to Grissom's. As I am such a kind "alleged writer" I will allow you to fill in the rest of the story. You may have them play a board game or something else…

Warrick: Walked around with his shirt off much to the delight of people (Catherine) everywhere. Came up with a plan to get Grissom and Sara together with the help of Catherine and Nick. Right near the end of the story in a cunning last minute plot twist it was discovered that he can read lips. Then he passed out on the break room floor with Catherine because they had been near the alcohol and had had just a little bit of alcohol.

Catherine: Did some stuff that nobody really cared about with just a hint of drama. Passed out from drinking alcohol right at the end only to be yelled at by Ecklie the next day. However what you didn't see was that he forgave her about ten minutes later and propositioned her. Having something resembling a brain she said no.

Nick: Had no 'stache, took Greg home, was asleep at the end of the story.

Greg: Came up with the idea of spontaneous spork combustion, got really drunk and was driven home by Nick.

Doc Robbins: Was around in the story but was never actually seen. Probably made a joke at an inappropriate moment.

Conrad Ecklie: Nearly acted human and got mad at Warrick and Catherine.

Brass: Was in the story at the beginning but then conveniently forgotten as it's hard to imagine him at a party getting drunk. Was probably helping Catherine and Warrick with their plan after Nick left.

Spork: Died. She will not be missed.

David Phillips: Glad Spork died. Collected some bodies, maybe helped out with some autopsies but who can ever really tell.

Vartan/Archie/Hodges: Not a major part of the story just forget they were ever there.


End file.
